Recovery has helped me get better at checking in with my feelings — Recovery sucks. I hate knowing I’m always going to struggle with the same sickness that’s plagued me since childhood. I hate the shame and guilt, the inner dialogue I can’t escape, the defiant little shit that lives inside my head and won’t listen to her very logical, very smart, very…

Some kids shout their needs from the rooftop, others fly under the radar; all of them need our support — The day of my first therapy appointment was the day I said for the first time, “I think my daughter probably has OCD.” It was a footnote to a larger conversation. Who lives in the house with me? How are our relationships? …

And then I invited him to meet me IRL — Summer night, circa 1995. No AC, windows open. Lights off, radio playing endless alternative rock hits from atop a white laminate dresser. Zombie ends, and a familiar voice drifts out from the speakers. “How’s everybody doing out there tonight? …

The way we think about healing from trauma and mental illness is all wrong — I have this image in my mind of what it means to heal. The best healing is a process that puts things back together as if they’d never been broken in the first place. The healed me knows how to get through a conflict without her heart racing and her…

Before I could bring myself to talk about it, my journal was there to listen — 4 weeks, 6 days. And so it begins. Early pregnancy is so damn unfair. The days drag on as if their sole purpose is to drive me mad. Every time I use the bathroom, I check the toilet paper for blood. Every time something brushes up against my breast, I…

Writing about trauma is about communion, not bravery — Thank you for your courage to be honest. How brave, thank you, Nikki. You’re so brave. Brave. Brave. On May 2, 2019, I published my first ever personal essay. I’d been writing full-time for a year, but most of my work was fiction, and nothing I’d written had seen the…

But not for the reason you might think — The storm door opens, then closes with a long creeeeaaaak. From my vantage point in the kitchen, I watch as a black backpack sails over the back of the couch and lands haphazardly on the seat, spewing water bottles and writing utensils from its half-zipped pouch. My ten-year-old is a…

How to slay them, or at least keep them well-fed — I sink into the sofa. In my hand, the remote is aimed at the television. Finally, a few minutes of peace before I fall over from exhaustion. “What do you want to watch?” asks my husband. I hold up a finger. “Shh!” The soft sound of weeping drifts down the…

Resisting the pull of functional addiction — I couldn’t have been older than twelve or so. I was sitting on the living room floor, eating canned ravioli over the coffee table and watching Fresh Prince on the TV. “Nikki,” Mom said, waving her cigarette in the air with one hand, bringing her beer down from her lips…